So, I'm about to rent a movie, order pizza, and use my vibrator.... Am I dating myself?
Who has a tranny cab driver? I have a tranny cab driver.
Hi
Babe...You're really smothering me right now
after a month anything with tits is on the radar
Hey man thanks for carrying me in and out of that frat house. There's no I in team.
After all the hair products he's stolen from me, he better fucking be gay.
i look like a southern belle. however, i am around a million kegs. so i will be a southern shitshow.
Also I'd like you to set a calendar reminder that goes off every day for you to take 2 minutes to think about what your life would be like without me.
I'm wearing a suit and have no chance of getting laid or robing a casino. I consider this opportunity a failure
Last night must have been awesome because I went to get in the shower only to find the bat symbol drawn on my chest
That happened during battle shots lol
Yes. I will keep putting the beer into my stomach and eventually the bartender will make a mistake
Well he wouldn't kiss me so I made out with a German girl, took a shot with my boss, and I think I sprained my ankle. It was a quiet Sunday for me.
Oh man I wish I could've gotten a picture of how many anti-circumcision stickers are on this Prius
Neighbor is sitting on his porch looking like he made some terrible life decisions and I just want to be like "I drank half of a handle of peach vodka in a shed last night. I understand" but I think they're swingers so his night probs sucked more.
My nipples are raw, I've yet to go to bed, I feel like death, and I'm at work. Thank you jack, crown, and Lafayette!
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