Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
He's still on the phone with him. This is unnatural. Dudes don't call other dudes just to talk.
Dude, totally just found out that I've been washing my hair with semen for the past 3 weeks.
Hold on. She's wrapped herself in toilet paper and is scaring the dog.
Too many margaritas?
she was mad because i didn't remember our fuckaversary. fuck buddies are getting too demanding..
Not even drunk me wanted to have sex with him. I kept intentionally hitting my head on the table behind me during sex till he said i was too drunk for sex.
You told them to let you give him stitches claiming you were a certified nurse because you've taken plant biology classes
Accidently said "your going to hurt the baby" when he got forceful with his thrusts. I guess I forgot to mention to him that we are pregnant.
Pretty sure that I got the MVP of wedding reception... woke up on the bench in the hallway of a hotel and we did NOT start the night there.
My uterus feels like it went 8 rounds with Mike Tyson. And that was only a quickie.
I guess the lesson here is that I shouldn't send nudes to elected officials.
Why is there a slipper full of piss in my bedroom?
I ate all your munchie Mac and Cheese cause you left me on the lawn. If you don't want it to happen gain, drag my drunk ass inside next time
I want to meet people. Preferably ones with penises
Dude, you screamed I AM THE WALRUS while giving a statue of Ronald McCdonald a lapdance. You were NOT sober.
Randomize
