Def slept AT the bar last night, wow that's a first!
You were in the bathroom for two hours practicing "Revenge Faces".
As soon as he told me I had a 'pretty laugh' I knew I'd be putting out more than I had originally planned.
remember last night when you and I took turns yelling THIS IS HUGE in my dogs faces? I love wine night.
Whoever I saved in my phone as "Jackpot" last night has your keys.
We used the solo cup bag for her hair tie. Desperate times call for desperate measures.
Can we be in one of those super weird relationships where you carry me around everywhere?
Just saw a woman trying to order Mcdonalds at a trash can. God bless America.
Pro tip: if you can avoid puking on your carpet, do so. Cleaning it up is absolutely no fun at all.
orgy was averted by karaoke, thank god
I just met him at a place called the meat farm, Jesus be a shield.
Sometimes i wish my vagina automatically turned itself off when i'm legally drunk.
Hey, thanks for helping me this morning
Always a pleasure to feed you bread as your body lay crumpled on the floor.
This is either going to be a hilarious catfish or the fuck trophy of the century.
like honestly, the vodka had to go somewhere, and your moms soap dispenser just seemed right at the time..
Randomize
