You wanna call me after your homoerotic shower?
When I went to court, my judge's name was Honorable Ball. I couldn't stop laughing.
that probably didn't help your case.
come pick me up. please. i just puked in my lap. bring pants.
Went home with a 29 year old from the bar. Life lesson: 9 year olds stay up late sometimes
Listen, Pinot Grigio got me pregnant. It can get you a boyfriend.
I'd call her a cunt, but she dooesn't seem to have the depth or warmth.
she's into porn, im staying here tonight
I woke up wearing a cow costume. I'm not even gonna try to recall what happened last night.
It didn't get weird until she took off her underwear, looked down, and said "fill her up!"
your facebook page is a work of drunk art.
Excuse me, but I got friendzoned and all I could think about was the fact that I didn't have my underwear back on yet.
I woke up with chocolate melted between my tits. I'd say that's a win for all parties involved.
Did you know they have a bouncer at Applebee's because I did not
Why are you naked at 4pm?
Its my birthday, I dont have to wear clothes
we went to go have morning sex and I said “I was gonna put my mouth on it but you need to shower”#ruinedthemoment
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