I solve my problems like an adult, at the strip club drinking on a work night.
My favorite part of our friendship is your tits.
she is graduated, working for the school, and puking in the bathroom of a frat house. she wants brush her hair so she doesnt "look trashy". im in love.
I just want you to know that i just realized your the only friend i dont feel fat around.
grown man stumbling drunk down green street wearing nothing but a hot dog costume and crying. its not even noon yet.
I just want to make mistakes. Like stds that go away with antibiotics mistakes.
and he should realize what an amazing ex i am for encouraging my best friend to hook up with him
I only know two things that kitchen floors are good for... sex and quesadillas that got dropped. You know, the five second rule
This whole bra on the outside of my shirt thing is so convenient. It turns my shirt into a pocket to eat Fritos out of. Mmm boobies
Do I have to formally apologize to Brett for flashing him?
I just need like a magic vacuum to suck everything out of me and then an IV to put good stuff back in
Everytime I try to keep track of the amount of people I slept with I always forget about that guy I met on the dc metro, where I woke up to him organizing his Special K and Molly and I was covered in sleeping cats.
not ubering you a puppy
I'm gonna be late for work because i decided to masturbate and forgot to put my clothes in the dryer
I collect Covid conspiracy theories like I collect Pokemon.
Randomize
