I just saw a girl wearing a flannel shirt that would make 1992 cringe
hey sry I lost all my numbers who is this?
pat the guy you slept with
still need a last name
I wish the inside of the tampon box said "CONGRATULATIONS YOUR NOT A MOTHER!"
at this point every shot is just a haymaker to my liver
I almost bumped into a man wrapped only in a blanket at 10 am
She just causally held my limp dick in her hand the entire movie. Her parents were cuddling on the couch too..that brave!
It was his birthday this weekend. I had to carry him 6 blocks, in 3 inch heels. The entire time he was trying to molest me, eat my face, and try to stop every two feet to tie his shoe. He would light a cigarette, forget about it, almost burn everyone, throw it out, then decide he wanted to smoke. He kept repeating that he trusts me with his life.
...Wow...
I could be a kindergarten teacher
I get a nose bleed and my uncle is automatically giving me the "your doing lines off dashboards again aren't you" look
He wanted me to strip for him. I told him that we aren't at that serious of a fuck buddy relationship yet
HE GAVE ME ONE OF HIS BEERS.
YOU'RE THE CHOSEN ONE.
I woke up still drunk to a beautiful tattooed columbian man making me pancakes. How's your memorial day?
The only math I use in every day life is figuring out how much I can spend on alcohol and still have money to pay my bills. High school lied to us.
Guys, as my favorite vagina consultants I have to share something.
My professional advice is not to put lemons in your lady pocket.
I feel as if some line has been crossed, but only in this vague, WTF sort of way.
drunkkkkk be here I heart you
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