Phrase i just heard while watching the U.S. open: "Boy they have really trimmed it well, this has got to be the tightest hole in the Open."
Just told the nurse I wouldn't get on the scale. Told her to write FAT.
Mom wants to know why I'm bringing a blender back to college.... didn't have the heart to tell her she's paying a $20,000 tuition for us to make margaritas and sleep through class
I can't believe I just compared my penis to a St. Bernard.
you called me in the middle of the night, wandering the streets, in search of "the ultimate burrito"
Let's just rave with boners that last for hours
well I already know I'm going to hell, at this point it's really go big or go home
Literally got mad at him this morning because we didn't have time to have sex for a third time. I think I'm getting greedy.
he said we should drink responsibly and we all just kinda sat there laughing at him
When she tells her friend, "hey I'll be back tomorrow, just going to fuck a guy", right in front of you, you know you've got a winner.
The more I think about it, the more convinced I am that I'm the solution to all of T-Swift's guy problems.
It's one PM on a Saturday and I'm sitting here drinking Jack, eating a block of cheese and playing Minecraft. Please tell me you can come drag me to a bar.
How drunk you think somebody has to be, that they think that putting out a profile pic like that can be even a slightly good idea?
I just wanna be naked and go frolic in the snow
Relationship goals: we both wore red underwear tonight. Except he won’t know because my bra been off but it’s the thought that counts I guess.
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