i swear i just saw perry the platypus. the fuck dude. i shouldnt even know who that is
I woke up wearing nothing but 7 partially eaten candy necklaces. Only one was around my neck. Don't even try to tell me I don't need plan B.
When you're opening a bottle of tequila with a golf club, it's probably time to stop drinking...
So i guess i slapped the girl sitting next to me leg and said "You know what they say, got fat legs...you gotta fat BOX"
He was eating her out on the elevator. What a good man.
I would just like you to know that the guy I blew off last weekend to come find ur drunk ass just got drafted into the major leagues.
Moment of silence for the loss of that option.
She just got out of the car and said "hold on purse.. It's going to be a bumpy ride"
No, that was the night I was sneezing out barf
I feel like I'm in an ocean of eels jacking me off
I'm serious. My alarm label is "BAR TABS" as motivation for me to wake up in the morning and go to work.
Currently getting "blaow" buzzed into my pubes. How's your thursday?
The strip club incident sums up our friendship pretty well
I'm 99.9% sure the people upstairs are using walki-talkies to talk to each other across the room. Too high for this shit
Her husband thinks she's banging me and nothing is going to change his mind so I told her we might as well just bang and make him right
It will be like a scavenger hunt.. only we're looking for places to have sex.
Randomize
