When my options for Friday night are being a 3rd wheel or bringing a gay man as my date i need to focus on other things in life like having a successful career.
Do ugly people know they are ugly?
The quiet ones do.
It started with Hannah Montana and ended with alcoholism.
Little spoons don't ask big questions
I can't get a boner in the bathroom of a buffet.
I woke up to a hotel manager knocking on my car ( window was down) and asking if I was ok
My 16 year old neighbor is throwing a rager cuz her parents are out of town and my brother and I are sitting on the porch listening to A) someone fuck on the trampoline B) a girl bawling about her parents finding out C) someone puking in what we think is the hot tub. And overall we take a shot everytime someone says "bra"
Okay. How did someone manage to piss on TOP of a urinal? What giant is roaming around with a prick five feet from the ground?
The lady at target couldn't scan my grocery item and just looked at me and said "just take it. I hate this fucking place". Best munchie adventure yet.
did you know the cops in wilco have clean up kits in their cars for when people puke in them? i found this out this morning. i'm finishing paperwork now. come get me plz?
He sat on me and said I owed him $10, when I asked why he just said "lap dance"
showering high made me realize that i should seriously reconsider my career path... id be a damn good hair shampooer & head massager
I have never thoroughly inspected the geometry of my nipples until now. How do I fix this?
I'd say I was is in rare form last night but it's becoming pretty common.
you were so high you asked for half double stack and half crispy chicken sandwich "welded together" in the wendy's drive through
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