They said "my eyes made me look intoxicated" ......we harassed them all night and we called the cops and told them that the bouncer that kicked us out was selling meth in the club ...and then we went to wendys
Just did a line with a monopoly bill. Tell me I'm not fancy.
I love girls that fake tan. Can you say p p p p p p p p pumpkin face
do you have any idea how hard it is to keep a boner while another dude is writing on your dick in sharpie?
My judgement was not "clouded". My judgement was in the midst of a fucking hurricane or something ridiculous.
He's basically wearing those Nike boner sweatpants. It's hard not to jump him. How has your day been?
I thought he put a fake swan in my yard, but no, he put a real life swan in my yard
I went eBay shopping last night. Turns out I brought a Viking drinking horn. I can't even be mad.
I'm surprised I don't have a permanent face imprint between my boobs.
My roommate just caught me cleaning a tostitos queso jar with my hand and eating it. He didn't judge. Bonding moment.
I met someone else! And I had a wonderful orgasm! And he wants to see me again, like take me out!
ED guy's penis finally worked last night. It was a Festivus miracle!
Memeber that time you got detained in Poland. We don’t talk about that enough
The bouncers found you passed out on the toilet. They tried to move you but you refused and repeatedly shouted that you wanted to go out like Elvis.
While finding our clothes afterwards he says..."So do we like have to talk after this?"
Randomize
