my orientation roommate looks just like New York of Flavor Flav fame
when my dick couldnt get hard she said "fly on little wing"
I opened up her dishwasher and all I found was a spoon, a juice glass and all her sex toys.
These old people don't even realize they're giving me weed money for shoveling snow.
Toga everclear = hospital visit... Im sure the paramedics hate me right now
Stumbled into class and into a desk. When I fell my bottle broke in my backpack. I had to leave there was vodka everywhere.
I'm having flashbacks from last night. Did I admit to pausing Whitney's funeral because I was watching porn? I believe I did.
HE TRIED TO HIT ME WITH A CHAIR. Stoned video games are NOT happening again
So I just stirred my shower drink with my razor.
I'm not going to ask which end you used.
I think he's holding my wallet hostage because I puked in his car. It's not my fault he has child locks on his windows..
I mean I've seen her tits but I don't know what her voice sounds like
Hey, don't blame me for the shitty evening; I wasn't the one who promised hookers, Dos Equis and foster kittens. Keith was.
I shouldn't have watched rise of the planet of the apes and then gotten high. I'm now convinced that the cats are out to get me.
excused from jury duty. THAT hungover...
My arm is completely dead, never again will i give you a 20 minute hand job. You better have enjoyed that asshole. I have to text with my left hand now.
Randomize
