why is there a sandwich nailed to the wall
you kept yelling at her to "show me your genitals" until the bouncers told us to leave...at which point you showed them YOUR genitals...
please don't ever take me to a strip club again...
It was almost awkward to look at you naked while listening to Circle of Life. Just saying.
Dontating $10 to the Red Cross relief effort in Japan for every car bomb I take tomorrow. Yes, buying me a drink just became a good cause.
I've reached the point in my life where I desire cats more than men
Doing tequila shots with my ex to celebrate that we broke up... not awkward at all.
Seriously, I woke you up with tacos, I think I deserve the best girlfriend ever award
It was everywhere. My dick was a sprinkler of lost future children.
The bald guy bought me a shot so I chugged it and then walked out to the middle of the dance floor and told an old woman that might be your moms twin to bend it over...We didn't end on a good note though. Dude she stepped on my vans.
Jäger goes great with personal crises and receding morals...
Blacked-in to me, shirtless, giving myself finger guns in the mirror and rapping "stacks in the club stacks stacks in the club."
I just ate a handful of salt
I thought this was a good idea
he asked if he should bring the trash can into the room.. apparently i shoved my finger all over his face and said.. shhhh dont talk... just take your pants off.
Actually I learned to fire a 357 Magnum at the age of ten while on my very first period
If you left your bike out in front, I just watched some dude steal it.
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