TOMORROW NIGHT CAN I HOLD YOU LIKE A BABY
Even when you're not here I still manage to get pad thai in my vagina
The bruises are from paintball. The money is from me being awesome
I like the odds of his and my children being professional athletes too. To support me in my old age, see I do think about the future.
I'm running on jager fumes right now. It's like I put diesel in a prius and said fuck it.
Sarah's knitting me a hat as an apology for unknowingly making out with my boyfriend
I love it when he cheats on me with nice people
im glad im back to a point in my life where i have enough sex to sometimes be offered and be like naw im good.
Surprise court date day!!! Wake the fuck up!
If you don't turn up on horseback dressed like a highwayman I am not having sex with you today
I dipped out before he woke up, but I made sure to take the pizza with me.
Eating pizza in the bath tub while watching a romantic comedy alone. I reached a new level of single.
The day I let him eat me out will be the day that Donald trump is an honest, kind, non-bigoted member of society
I called him the wrong name all night, yet I still got a ride home from the party and hooked up with the guy. I'm irresistible.
I just found out how I got home last night. The bartenders found me sitting in the brush peeing and called me a cab. Have you seen my underwear?
I just drunkenly emailed my feminist dissertation as a resignation letter for my call center job. What am I doing with my life!?
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