she's doing push ups on the keg. hows a girl supposed to compete with that?
you kept yelling something about watching the muppets chirstmas carol and trying to turn the t.v. on with your car keys
is there any particular reason you took a shit in a zip lock bag and left it in my refrigerator?
I find it ironic that im starting my birth control on mothers day.
Omg just woke up. 6am. random apartment. broad daylight. bunch of ppl doin coke around me. Theres a bridge nearby. I think my dentist is down the block. Oof.
I got to the point where it seemed like she had 8 giant breasts instead of just two
Yeah kinda weird. My grandparents are here for dinner and I'm chilling on the couch close to tripping out on pain killers. My pap asked me how works going and I prettymuch drooled on myself as an answer.
how do you ask an olympian for your underwear back?
I feel like im becoming the girl who only drunk texts him. I would be in the dog house, if situations like this had dog houses.
I didnt finish. My brain kept playing the duck tales theme thru the entire blow job
I'm drunk, laying in bed, eating macaroni salad. I dropped a piece and tried to pick it up with a fork. My cleavage is bleeding and I haven't been laid yet. Heeeyyyy!!!
You know your life has gone downhill when someone has to preface your night with "don't get locked in a porta potty"
i want george washington to fuck me as hard as he can holy shit
You know something is wrong with your lifestyle when you have to clean easy Mac cheese powder off of your scale
at least it's not cocaine like last time
The problem with adderall is that no matter what I'm doing, I feel like it was the most productive thing I've EVER done.
Did you alphabetize our spice cupboard again?
...You'll thank me later.
Randomize
