True love is taking a shit with the one you love in the bathroom with you.
You can't keep basing your relationship off of the fact that you both love ramen noodles
She made a roadhead CD. Can I marry her?
I have way too big of a thanksgiving food baby to enjoy any of my old high school booty calls
Zak is like the Picasso of masterbatory texts
I like how you were offering me $50 last night to come home with you to take care of you and your dog
He just yells "mush!" as they're having sex.
Don't worry my mom is buying me a vasectomy for Christmas
I was lying I actually don't, I hope a reindeer shitted in her bed
I came so hard I went blind for a few seconds.
I'm just going to assume my unresponsive booty calls are just preparing for the women's march tomorrow
Don't forget to bring $1s for the strippers. Make it rain!!!!
Thanks, mom, will do
when I walked in the door they were passed out naked, on top of eachother, with tetris controllers in their hands.
I need to hurry up and get over my feelings for him so next year's tipsy reunion sex won't be clouded by emotions.
What?? I could've slept with an ordained minister!
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