i know we just met, but i forget your name, and i'm wondering why my penis burns?
I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
My carpet still smells like piss and I THINK YOU KNOW WHY.
Yea...coming from the girl who didn't understand why m&ms and tequila wasn't a "suitable diet"
I should have but it might be too early in this fuckbuddyship to emasculate him
That's why they call him "the cheesegrater".
Mixing coffee with vodka may have been a bad choice, I feel like I'm pregnant and the baby is trying to perform a c-section from the inside.
After a roaring rendition of Jay-Z's "99 Problems but a bitch ain't one" I ended up making her cry on her birthday.
Guess who just sucked off 1/5 of one direction?
the dj asked me quote "are you sure you're sober enough to do this?" And I grabbed the mic from him and said "ill fucking show you sober- HIT IT". I also dropped the mic at the end so he had to come around and pick it up
Shania Twain would have been proud
Woke up with a 22 year old with the number for a different girl written on my stomach, almost 30 can suck my dick I still got this shit
It's a good thing vaginas don't have taste buds
It feels so wrong having a picture of my tits next to a picture of my daughter.
im about to bake her parents a "thank you for making such beautiful babies, ive had sex with all 5 of them" cake
Based on my calculations, I should be blackout by approximately 11:14pm and that's when I need you to take my phone away from me. Mkay?
Randomize
