getting your period on valentines day is like an extra little fuck you, now you REALLY have no chance of sex tonight.
the majority of my texts from you are at 3 AM & consist of either "I'm drunk", "you're asian", or "bratwurst"
mid puke you looked up at me and asked if it was your turn to sing
I didn't think moms care packages could get better than greygoose, weed & double stuffed oreos, but she just snet me a chocolate bar full of mushrooms.
I'm wearing a shirt that says "birthday girls #1 homo" ...what has my life come to?
How did I end up in the pool?!
Welcome to ASU
Tomorrow is Have Sex and Climb A Mountain Day. We have amazing dates.
Tried to dodge fire in poncho. Fell through fence. Blood everywhere.
I told him if he went to see magic mike with me I'd cover his eyes during the penis parts
just chugging fertility tea and vodka, no big deal.
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
Just once, I'd like to make it to my first wedding anniversary for a change.
I mean, if I asked you, would you cum on cotton candy for me?
It's like every time I'm baked I discover my fingers all over again.
I texted him "my vagina is pounding for you"
I know, you made me proof read it.
Randomize
