Did Neil Armstrong say the moon was too far away! NO! He built himself a fucking rocketship is what he did!
dude if i could bring that prime piece of meat home, id be the luckiest average-looking girl who ever lived
I'm drinking margaritas out of a soup mug, of course I'm going to get wasted
We were making out when she went into convulsions. At least now I know she's allergic to peanuts.
who loves string cheese????? I LOVE STRING CHEESE!!!
you know...if you didn't give such great head little things like this would ruin our friends with benefits relationship.
At least drunk you showered before switching sex partners last night.
Just got Netflix. Dexter Marathon. Still in my PJ's. Only eaten cookie dough and drinking a 40. I have never reeked so strongly of lonely .
Just made a list of all the guys I've hooked up with. "Roofie tattoo eyelids", "xanex night guy", "rainy concert", "cory blanket" and "naked hottub guy" made it.
He motorboated me, gave me a business card that said congratulations on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
I distinctly remember holding up a piece of ham pizza and screaming: "WHO THE FUCK EATS HAM PIZZA" in the face of a bunch of scared 13 year old girls faces, while my own sister laughed in mine.
Dude. Stop sending me lines from Hungry Like the Wolf
My frontal lobe is being piloted by Jack Daniels right now.
He ripped my sink off my bathroom wall and then threw up in it.
I want a dick in my left hand and a Crunch Wrap Supreme in my right hand.
After I chugged my beer the cop slapped my ass and said "atta girl" this can't be real life.
Randomize
