Dude you can't just initiate a threesome via twitter
so after six weeks of dating she admitted shes bi and asked if it would freak me out if we brought another girl into the bedroom. i said no in this hesitant voice and she said 'if you let me dont worry ill make it up to you'
i literally fucking hate you so fucking much.
Its 4 am and he honestly tried throwing pizza at his ceiling for decorations
thanks for the bloody nose. you probably dont remember, i'm not mad.. only because your boobs are to blame
i was really disappointed no one would drink beer from our cleavage last night except for us
There are two things I love in this world. Dick and cats. Why can't I just have dick and cats forever
Drinking Fireball means never having to say you're sorry. Unless its at you're arraignment.
100 proof captain the only man who can make me strip during a snowstorm
Apparently "I have the beer shits" isn't the excuse my boss wanted to hear. So sue me
female sloths literally scream when they want sex and can be heard up to 700 meters away
i think i might be a female sloth
I'm definitely closer to having sex in every building on campus than I am to having a post-graduation career/plan/future. Unless that future is getting fucked in lots of buildings. I got that shit on lock down.
And as drunk as I was I was able to show my mom how to make text italicized in Microsoft word
He kept saying "Welcome to Indianapolis" over and over while we were having sex...because that's his hometown. I was scared and confused... I didn't know if I should have said thank you or what.
Something is wrong here. The birds are chirping and I'm not fucking you, I'm not getting head and I don't smell bacon. Why am I up this early then?
had to remind myself that killing him is not a good career move AGAIN.
Randomize
