so ur a construction worker, male escort, sex god and surfer? lol
well its been awhile since I've surfed
Facebook lets you pick usernames now. You'd better log on and get yours before homewreckingwhore is taken...
In the airport and just saw a little boy put his head in his mother's crotch... I guess he took a whiff because he backed up and said loudly, "mommy your pee-pee is stinky!"
I just woke up wearing retainers... they are most definitely not mine
Did you get my bra back of the bartender?
I seriously think we need to revision your idea of 'keeping a low profile'
He made a fake guest pass that was just a note card with "I'm here. Me." written in sharpie, and tried to convince the security guard it was real.
I just watch that 70s show all day and blaze whenever they do. It's nice being part of the circle
It was one of those nights where you get back from the bar and end up staying up till 3AM beating off to facebook photos of girls from college
i wish i could tell my students that all of their lessons plans were brought to them by captain morgan and diet coke. it's like seasame street, only for high schoolers being taught by a student teacher.
They were so huge my eyes were just drawn to them. Boob gravity man.
I feel like they've probably fucked. Like.. you don't just bring a bitch a Big Mac if you haven't fucked her.
He's listening to "my heart will go on" by himself in the living and its not even noon. MAKE IT STOP.
so let me get this straight... she's showing a cameltoe that can be seen from the space station and I'm NOT supposed to stare?
He couldn't give me an orgasm, but he did give me a UTI.
You threw up at the outdoor bar and it was pretty...astonishing just how much can come out of such a small human.
Randomize
