I slept with some guy because he drew a dinosaur on my arm
he literally had a slideshow of all the girls hes had sex with pictures set to american woman
I just want dick. Yours just gets priority because it is glorious
He's trying to row the canoe up my front yard like he is Lewis and Clark.
In the middle of having sex with me, she reminded me that I was supposed to call my mom that morning. My penis has never retracted so quickly.
We're playing fucking games. GAMES. THIS IS BULL SHIT. IM GOING TO THROW UP ON THE BABIES AND LEAVE.
That's right. If she can't abide by the rules then she gets booted. It's like survivor booty call edition
We were trying to sober you with hotdog buns but you refused put half of it in your bra and said you'd save it for later
Dude, they are shaking the RV, yell at them. It feels like i'm being rocked to sleep, I don't like it, I'm not a baby.
It's like a challenge who can be the biggest embarrassment to the family. I win 80% of the time.
Everybodys gonna want to make out w me dressed as big bird
Big bird is like some childhood daddy fantasy come true for carnival
eating chex mix on the couch when he walks in naked and asks how he looks. are you shitting me.
I forgot drug dealers have families, too. Cheers to a sober, uncomfortable, slightly enraging Thanksgiving.
all i tweeted was "emergency this is not a drill" and he immediately texted me asking if this was a subtle booty call…it was
Yo whoever left a thong on the dining room table, first of all get help second of all please remove it now
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