God I'm so bored. I wish I had a baby or something to play with.
And this is exactly why you should NEVER have kids.
Just found 2 diff. colored pubes in my underwear..new record.
i swear to god even though i took those meds before coming here i did not hallucinate zulema silently throwing up into a breakfast burrito
she fell through a window trying to flash someone
I mass texted 4 of you for a booty call. Please reply all when responding so only one of you shows up. Last one is a rotten egg.
i need to stop celebrating other people's birthdays like they are m own.. my body can't handle a birthday every week
I'm like a magical alcohol dispenser. I pulled this kahlua out of my vagina.
I would come over if there was not the impending fear of me shitting out my brains.
If a marine in My bed is not considered a valid excuse for missing class then I don't want to live in America anymore
I have found random beers stashed in my purse and microwave... Apparently I thought 2015 was gonna have a beer shortage
after you got high, you started to make guac with your bare hands and said: "there's soda bubbles in my legs"
I love how encouraging you are, but I need you to stop me when the guy I'm going home with is a dead ringer for Nick Cage.
We got stoned and took selfies with the most perfect lawn
This morning we had sex while he was wearing a full length fur jacket and sunglasses... I wasn't even phased
I've been drunk texting you for weeks, and you watched me puke outside your house... I say it's time we meet in person.
Randomize
