I can't go out tonight. I feel like I'm starting to party as much as Farrah on Teen Mom.
Don't worry about it. I've taken so much Plan B, my uterus is purely for show now.
there's a guy pushing a keg up the street in a shopping cart. you have to love graduation
I don't have patience to seek someone out and try to decipher whether or not I think I'd want to actually have their dick in my face.
The funny thing is, we kinda did bring guys home cause you had a fort...
btw telling the cab driver, that took you to your booty call that is now returning your wallet that you left in his cab, that you want to hug him is awkward
I hate waking up Sunday morning and thinks "how many friends did I lose last night".... Normally it's between 1-5.
So do you know how we found out he was engaged?
An Amber Alert?
Ugh. The fucking vaginal recession is so real right now.
Fuck that, come home. Let's get drunk and judge people.
Should I be concerned that the new guy I'm seeing just referred to my stealing a sailboat in college while drunk as "wholesome"?
Last night a drunk chick tried to lick me. If you are trying to lick the zombies, you are too drunk for the haunted house.
DUDE NEVER CALL THE COPS BACK
Are you telling me right now that the weed man sexted you?
THE WEED MAN SEXTED ME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
I just remembered something from last night. check your closet.
Randomize
