i'm not a human right now. not even a dancer.
sitting next to michael phelps in the airport. wonder if he's carrying...
he must have thought the song was "ejacuate on the dance floor"
She was adopted and used to dance at Sapphire. just my speed.
The polish Muslims are throwin paczkis into the crowd and I'm beer 6 before 11 am
You were screaming across the bar "BUYING US SHOTS ISN'T GOING TO MAKE US STRAIGHT, YA KNOW!!!!!!!!"
After Thursday my breakup "don't screw anybody out of respect" month will be over and I will be set loose. My pussy is purring with anticipation.
You know what's worse than asking for the morning after pill? Asking for the morning after pill in a sketchy hospital in a foreign country where no one speaks English.
The one with glasses said he was keeping my bra. He had me sign it before he left and he said he would be hanging it up in his bunker. I support our troops.
No, the moral of my Oxford interview was "Never snort caffeine pills".
We had sex in his hot tub. Then we saved a mouse that almost drown in his pool. We celebrated our heroism with more sex.
a guy messaged me on POF to ask if I knew of any places that were hiring. And was being completely deadass serious. I'm so done
TJ is going to paint me in a Patriots Jersey he can paint you in an eagle jersey. Did this last year and got so much dick.
there is puke in my bra ... again
Gotta go, there’s a chick at my door that wants to give me head
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