Don't worry about later. I already pre-ordered a pizza for a 1:45 delivery and told them to ignore any calls from your number.
You're getting good at this, you know that?
I just caught myself doing the gator chomp to my tv. I need to get laid.
Apparently my gaydar only works on americans. Frenchie capris has two topless chicks in our kitchen making him breakfast.
Let's just cut to the chase. I'm not interested in anything romantic but I aAM interested in Tom Petty and maybe getting high and fucking you again for old times sake.
I think the duck is in my room. You have no idea how much worse a duck makes a hangover
Whatever. He's going to tie me up tonight whether he wants to or not.
This is why i like single justin better. my only regret is not being present for more of his short life. may he rest in peace
Great. Now I'm always going to be the roommate that boned a guy with a third nipple.
You text him a porn site address and said GOODBYE ... I think he got the hint
Tell me why I woke up spooning a hamburger like it was a teddy bear.
True idk how my parents didn't know I was blackout. I ate like 4 pieces of cheesecake and showed my cousins my boobs
I remember because you made a pirate noise when you came.
You puked on yourself, then demanded to take shower. In which you kept saying "its raining"
My date bailed but I got to take a nap so I'm cool with it.
I looked into this "it's just lunch" matchmaker thing and it was like 5 grand. If I'm gonna spend five grand I'll throw in another three and get new tits and find my own fucking husband.
Randomize
