The drunk teletubby stumbling out of the place tipped me off..
LSD in a sugar cube. Dropped it in my whiskey sour and felt like I was rowing a boat.
I thought you were single?
I am. But thats cuz no one wants to marry shame and regret doused in tequila. But thanks for reminding me ya dick.
Remember when we used to share painkillers at parties? Now we're dealing in blood pressure pills. Oh, how the mighty have fallen.
It's fucking New Year's. I can be soberish in 2013 after tonight. It's like the 30 years of grey area between Jesus' birth and death.
Just woke up, shitty hungover, and realized that every article of clothing I slept in was backwards, bra included. Fuck you, gin. Fuck you.
In other news it turns out I like Heineken.. In a desert island kind of way
PUT YOUR FRESHLY SHAVED MEXICAN POON ON THAT BEARD. NOW.
I'm just gonna clean the house so my Mom won't think I'm hung over. I'll just start with the toilet
I've been watching porn with my cat lately. No shame
You can not love someone based on who they were when they were 9. Does he know how many dicks I've sucked since then?
I woke up in a chipotle parking lot with an industrial sized box of condoms and a bag of dounut holes. I need Jesus
I will buy you batman underwear babe. I'll make sure you wear them every time we have to adult.
Your vagina is not a steamboat from the 1800's
I look excited, but its just a facade.
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