I got groped on the dancefloor by both grooms. I love gay weddings
Just picture a bunch of Abraham Lincolns having an orgy.
A guy wearing a hard hat while floating the river. It's the most responsible drinking we saw all day.
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
You better of fucked him last night or do it now because he is buying all the roommates McDonald's.
You don't take my phone while I'm passed out, have a three hour conversation on it with Dealer Dave, set up a date with him and NOT TELL HIM THAT HE'S NOT TALKING TO ME.
She clicked her fingers, said "here boy!", and pointed at her vagina.
Just got kicked out of two hot tubs. We were naked the second time. So awkward getting out in front of the security guard.
Oh, fuck yeah. I swear I came with every bite. Not even joking. Messiest meal ever.
Wow, thanks for ruining pizza for me. I didn't think it was possible.
He snapchatted me the wine on the ceiling this morning
Easter was a success. We had an egg hunt and hid weed and conforms inside them. Cooked a ham, made some jello, got wasted. THIS is adulthood?!
I just turned down the best booty call of my life because I have to make a cheesecake. I guess this is growing up.
I got myself off in the shower last night for the first time ever! I just looked like I was playing a game of twister.
Sometimes being bisexual is a curse. Turns out I banged both of her older twin brothers last summer.
Dude, Kevin called the cops on the cops.
Randomize
