I am looking at the epitome of fake boobs right now
i just found five singles in my underwear?! im suspicious but delighted none the less
note to self..putting cheap vodka in a bottle of grey goose does not make it taste better
suddenly, hermaphrodite night sounds like a really bad idea
you screamed santa and jumped in front of 50 kids to tell him you wanted a bong for christmas.
He rubs his penis on back when he think I'm sleeping
Having him as a wingman is like telling the girl you already have aids
Also, just had a student offer to sell me Xanax. Want some? Just for like a rainy day. Or our memorial day shitshow. Or just another Wednesday night.
And don't worry, my exact words were "I can't believe a baby came outta that thing"
Drunk girl in a bikini just tried to bite my face, it's officially spring break
I'm so hungover that I just wrote up my will because I'm afraid I'm gonna die. I'm leaving you my bong.
someone snapchatted me a porn of two guys dressed up as pterodactyls double teaming a girl
I AHVE A WINE BUCKETTTTTTT
Tomorrow is my bachelor party. If I die tomorrow, please know I graded you a "check" as a sister. "Check-minus" when you got mouthy.
my mom asked me why i was covered in scratches, blood, and dirt this morning..i answered "i was planking obviously" and walked away
Randomize
