Hey, go out with us like you promised. You're younger than us and should be able to handle your coke problem with grace.
My penis looks like a roll of pennies
Oh. Ok. I get the hint.
Like a roll of pennies where the paper got wet & then dried all wrinkly and weird...
yes, too bad my tears were being wiped away by tits in my face
Moved my bed either I'm a whore or every guy I have ever slept with hid condom wrappers under my bed
You were in the bathroom for two hours practicing "Revenge Faces".
Grown men dancing to Spice Girls and a girl wearing one shoe. I belong here
Apparently I had an idea for a cooking show and then proceeded to throw cookies at people.
I found a horn on the street but it's okay I disinfected it with vodka
I literally recorded a toilet flushing to make it his ringtone to remind me what a piece of shit he is
It's a lightpost hitting you in the head. Of course it's going to hurt the day after.
i'm laying here naked in a pile of empty landshark bottles, is lauren still hiding under the toilet?
So... Apparently, "Home" isn't the correct response when a cop asks for your address...
So how'd the job interview go?
well turns out the guy interviewing me was a regular at the strip club where i used to work. Talk about awkward
I think we ended 5-7 relationships as well this weekend...so another good stat
STOP FUCKING TELLING PEOPLE ABOUT THAT TIME THAT GUY CAME ON MY FACE WHILE I WAS ASLEEP!!!
Randomize
