she definitely has that "I'll bang you, but then I'll tell your girlfriend" look to her.
dude my little brother busts into my room last night and yells did you know that grandma is hiding scrambled eggs between her legs
after he handcuffed me and put me in the back seat, "Mrs. Officer" started playing, I thought maybe this could be my escape
I don't know how God could bestow someone that emotionally confused with such an awesome penis.
He googled "how long will i be drunk" and just started crying
After much deliberation I've decided to name my penis "Arthur", hope your mom's surgery goes well.
im afraid if i stop breathing i will turn into a porcupine
Big girls don't cry they get day drunk
Hi I am too sober and out of rum. Translation: I owe you some beer. Also, get better taste in beer.
I have 13 missed calls from when I slept outside on some rocks
In my defense, there are at least three ways to die doing that, and I'm still here. America, Fuck Yeah!
I gave him head while despicable me 2 played in the background. I think I disappointed the minions
THAT BEAUTIFUL FACE AND HEAVENLY LIGHTING IS NOT HELPING THE NOT DEAD POINT HOW DO I NOT KNOW YOU ARE NOT TEXTING ME FROM THE AFTERLIFE
The after life smells like latex gloves and hand soap
whoever decided snowing in 90 percent of campus on a night when the streets are flowing with tequila and skittles was clearly not an R.A.
I'm a teacher who's always telling kids about the importance of due diligence, yet I'm eating an avocado out of a coffee filter because I'm too lazy to wash dishes
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