And then a tiny penis fell out of my purse
Just made a Mimosa with Chardonnay and Emergen-C.
so he came in me this morning and i was like WTF DUDE. i called him Daddy until he agreed to pay the full $40 for plan B. He wants to name our Patrick because it will be a st pattys day baby. absolutely NOT.
He walked in AS I was cumming. Now even my father knows I'm a squirter.
I'm in the grocery store cradling a box of wine like it's my firstborn, so of course this would be the first and only time I've ever seen my boss outside of the office.
In Denver there are more bars per capita than any other city also the healthiest city. That means lots of drunk girls and no fatties.
but then i turned into a human whiteboard because i thought it was a good idea to bring out markers
You just threw your burrito at the passing teenage couple and yelled "It's never gonna last" of course your were a shit show
I started blowing him in North Dakota, and I finished the job in Minnesota. Oh, the places road head can take you.
Stay positive! You think people like sad vaginas? NO! You'll get some!
He broke into my house because he missed me. Then ends the relationship because I'm the needy one. Ironic much?
Would you think less of me if I were eating pizza on the toilet right now?
I'm crying watching Rihanna at the VMAs. Periods are a bitch
So what's the protocol on sending your exes new wife a baby shower gift that says "thanks for getting him the hell out of my life, please keep him there!"?
Dude, she had a pound of gunpowder in her closet. I for sure got a fear boner.
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