Just did a kegstand with my dad. Happy fathers day.
not exactly restoring sanity, but he is throwing up on the national mall right now
i'm not entirely sure that 'not getting kicked out of the bar until it got dark' really classifies as 'doing better'
I doubt she'll sponsor it. You know alcohol and fireworks don't mix, right?
It's okay. We're not going to soak the fireworks in alcohol. The alcohol is for drinking.
All i hear is "BITCH BETTER HAVE MY HONEY" and i turn around and there is a dude in a bear costume. It was fur real.
I'm not going to pass up the opportunity to be half naked and covered in glitter without facing judgement or legal prosecution. I'll be there.
Fuck yeah GAYNESS
*explodes into glitter*
You were wearing a cookie monster onesie and telling everyone you were actually the sausage monster..
On the bright side I still got laid
I learned a very valuable lesson tonight...don't touch a cops tazer
Congratulations, you have turned my vagina into a garden hose.
We're at the liquor store. Then going to the hospital
I didn't want sex last night, but she charmed my dick out of my pants like a snake charmer.
He's gonna be like you slept with too many of my friends and you're being voted off the island haha
Woke up at 5am in an elevator... Pretty much tells you how my weekend went.
Why did I wake up with a skeleton in my bed? Is it from the lab?
Oh crap, that's where it ended up. Yeah, don't ask.
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