My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
i thought i was pinching her nipple. It was her mole
ok, im coming! i just found some lemon square in my bangs, washing that out..this shit is all over me! was i in a pie eating contest?
yes
did i win? did you like my outfit? or should i change, if you were horny would you bang me?
i do not condone bathtub ky wrestling
His hospital is closing...I consider it "sorry you're losing your job" sex.
i'm pretty sure i just ruined some dude's romantic riverside sunset proposal by running outside and puking in a bush.
Saw an eatery called Rusty Taco. That sooo could be me.
It'd be easier to list the surfaces my ass hasn't been on.
we're all going for beer and wings at 7. inflate your girlfriend and bring her along too.
I'm drunk, I'm covered in pizza, and I'm watching Jurassic Park. I feel like you'll get this. xx
I'm permanently fucked. Every liquid I put into my mouth automatically tastes like fireball.
Congrats on dating a convict, there's no fitbit badge for that one.
First she snuck beer into the movies and then proceded to give me a handjob in the dark theatre. I think I'm in love
Yo did you say we are blacking out saturday night and playing dodgeball?
Yeah for relay for life. Its for cancer
So I realize somewhere between mildly irritated and outright belligerently pissed is where you are, but as to location, where are you?
Randomize
