Worst sexual experience IN MY LIFE. And now i know why it makes jesus cry.
some how when im high sleep beats hunger...its like how paper beats rock it doesnt make any fucking sense but it still happens
Tonight marks the 1 yr anniversary of me waking up in a bush. is that reason enough to celebrate?
There are 3 guys sitting in the elevator in lawn chairs wearing sunglasses and holding beers. the hallway rugs are stuffed in a trash can. i've never been so glad to be sober.
She handed me her tooth and asked me to hold it so she could swim.
But he found my shoe...that at least deserves a handjob.
Yeah. Not my best idea. But I'm hoping for the best . And by best, I mean not jail
Jesus these cramps...it's like every potential fetus I swallowed last night is personally punching me in the uterus
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
I'm just gonna use that pot butter as dip for chips. That's fat, American AND stoner!
Thank you. I woke up with a beard hair in my mouth. Super classy.
I just have to decide what I love more, food or dick.
Cause I know you wanna ride the D like a Vespa in ROMAN HOLIDAY
It tasted better than Jesus's hair.
Can I just go naked and covered in glitter?
Randomize
