Why do my orgasm prompt her to begin using babytalk EVERYTIME?!
There's a girl sitting in front of me making a PowerPoint on Jack Bauer.
Is it bad that I was more upset about not getting the perfume he told me he had bought for me then the actual breakup?
She was raised with a wonderful home life. I can't do anything with that.
So guess who got away with telling their girlfriend she's insane multiple times in a Valentine's day card. Yup, this guy.
How bad would it be to ask my maintenance man for new blinds because the dude puked on those too?
See,its just the last time this situation happened I ended up hiding in a closet on my birthday
I just wanted to be the best at what I did even if that included sexing a whole fraternity or sorority ya know?
You also once spent an entire hour explaining the origin of the strip steak to me.
THE EAGLE HAS MY PANTIES. I REPEAT. THE FUCKING MASCOT HAS MY PANTIES.
HOLY SHIT. You're my hero.
so, i guess i gotta chill on showing up to work hungover... someone anonymously left a bible in my work mailbox (no one else got one)
I only drink at bars with bathrooms big enough to have sex in.
Holy shit last night was like the irresponsible Olympics for me
You're wasting your dick. It needs to be bestowed upon the masses.
I did a trust fall off the bar and then almost got into a knife fight over a push up competition. Just another Tuesday.
Randomize