Ramen noodles and uncensored jerry springer episodes, what a nice life i have.
I have all these new brothers and sisters I'm just now finding out about
I just egged your windshield and it froze on contact. Have fun with that.
I don't remember how we paid for the cab. I do however remember giving him my heels 2 help with the bill.
Would it be bad if I bought her bread, meat, cheese, and stuff as her christmas present so she can make me a sandwich?
I woke up this morning at 8 to my roommates still drunk, hanging out on the roof, and screaming at bikers. They couldn't figure out why they were into it.
What's sign language for "you may not be the father?" Kinda important right now.
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
I don't know if I'm more excited about getting chipotle or about getting laid
After getting kicked out of the bar, you proceeded to McDonald's, ordered 30 nuggets, slammed them all back in 5 minutes and then stole 3 traffic cones...how you only got charged with drunk in public is beyond me.
I should get an "I gave blood today" type of sticker, but instead it would say "I went balls deep today"
I'm 2 seconds away from smashing the bottle and drinking it off the counter with a straw.
The awkward moment when a lady ask you what kind of lipliner you're using, but really I have just finished eating hot cheetos.
I still have that dildo-suction bruise on my forehead and this sweater STILL smells like my Christmas Eve vomit.
If a weird guy texts you in the near future asking if you are satan just go with it
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