it cannot be done, he is unbreakable.
What?
..he cannot be seduced..she had to have roofied him.
Details.
I thought she would fill the void you created. Turns out she thought I just wanted to fill hers.
Hey just wanted to let you know my nose is broken and I have a fractured wrist. I told you it wasn't a slip and slide.
Dude I didn't think you'd do it. I mean come on, who puts a slip and slide on their driveway?
So I hooked up with a guy with a mustache and woke up on a dragon futon underneath a dragon yin-tang tapestry... My life is spiraling in a weird way.
So I feel like I should have had a going away party for your dick. Complete with balloons and cake. Yeahh that's right. I'm gonna miss it.
Note to self. The tub labelled "not water" does not contain water.
I saw him and didn't have sex with him. Responsibility five!
I swear to god....if you can give yourself a brazilian you can take a fucking bullet
He was feeling me up but acting like he was asleep. Like WTF does that mean??
George Washington did not fight for our freedom just to have people shit themselves all night
Ex-boyfriend shit on a ping pong table at a party last night. Taking "party pooper" to a whole new level.
I don't know if I'm more disturbed by the fact that you hooked up with a dude with one arm, or that "hook up with a dude with one arm" was on your bucket list.
I don't think he knows you can have sex sober...
Apparently I repeatedly thanked the paramedic for saving the "happy new year" beads i was wearing. that bad.
I saw that he had a tattoo of a map of New Jersey on his arm, so i slowed down to like 20mph and pushed him out of the car
Randomize
