When we ran out of red solo cups we switched to Starbucks cups for beer pong... Who doesn't want to live in Seattle?
i want to get drunk and sing the national anthem on your roof again please.
If turning my entire backyard into a slip-n-slide is wrong then I don't wanna be right
We really have to stop convincing people tazing is the cool thing to do.
I've discovered that regular handcuff keys, sadly, do not work on real police handcuffs.
So I had a crappy evening so the fat girl in me says eat and cry and watch something sad. The cool girl in me says don't eat go run. So I'm watching family guy and doing crunches w a pickle in my mouth
Gross
AN ACTUAL PICKLE
It's amazing how not interested in talking to him I am since I've decided that he probably has chlamydia.
Ok well i was gonna say you can only borrow my fog machine if you will use it to emerge from your room in a cloud of smoke after having sex with sarah, so yeah we're good
I called you a cum goblin in my voicemail. I stand by it.
alcohol and riverdancing are a dangerous mix. have a spraind ankle. i die now
It's five in the morning. wtf?
I am going to paint butt plugs like little Christmas trees and give them as gifts.
You could paint cock rings as wreaths.
How do I send someone an apology text for giving them a lap dance in the middle of a party last night?
His name was Dragon. For real. How do you not sleep with a Dragon? Don't judge me.
Unless you count my weekly workout where I drink wine, listen to obscure/cheesy records, and pretend I'm a ballerina...no. I don't exercise.
Nah, i wasn't offended. Having a bridesmaid who you had had multiple threesomes with your future husband would be weird.
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