It was my first time buying condoms at the liquor store... I was nervous and there were quite a few people, so I tried to do it as quickly and quietly as possible. When I got to the Indian cashier, he took one look at them and said loudly, "Ohhh you gonna get it on tonight, ah?!"
I literally stabbed myself so I had a valid reason to get out of having sex with her
I HAVE stop dating guys for their prescriptions, you have no idea how awkward family dinner was. Thank god for his xanax.
Me. You. Shitty green clothes from Savers that we will dub alligator costumes. Middle of the quad tomorrow at noon. Bring your alligator voice and the pearls before swine comic.
Good idea. You gotta take care of your vagina. She takes care of you. Pay it forward.
I'm the fucking queen of sexting. I just made a blowjob sound so poetic I'm wishing I were a guy just so I could blow me. Learn from me.
Fuck my life, there's a fry in my vagina.
On a completely unrelated note I think I have carpal tunnel
Again, totally unrelated
So glad the long weekend is over so I can bring this bender to a merciful end.
Going to the ER, I'll explain later but apparently drunk me isn't allergic to peanut butter.
I was wondering why are people staring at me til I realized I was bra-less with a lei around my neck
I'm in my onesie attempting to spoon-feed myself cold soup. I'm playing freeze tag with my hangover. My hangover's winning.
Knowing that porn stars want to fall in love is the weirdest thing I've found to be beautiful recently. I'm so lonely.
Weddings might be fun but they are not getting fucked in the wilderness fun.
I can barely operate my hands; what makes you think I can operate my dick
Randomize
