he accidentally used the toothbrush i use to induce my bulemia...i feel like this is something he shouldnt find out...
you left a giant bottle of vodka in my room from last night. does this serve as a parting gift or hush money?
I put cups full of chips next to every bed, couch, and toilet so that everyone could have a snack when they woke up....
Sorry you had to see that, but on the bright side...at least I trust you enough to have sex in front of you
In the middle of fucking me, she said "Hold on, I need my Hulk hands."
I just ditched my friends to hang out with the chilis restaurant crew...one of these girls better have daddy issues
What's the appropriate way to phrase "If you ever leave your wife give me a call. But we can still have sex periodically until then."??
I got really upset at the McDonald's worker. They should serve nuggets 24/7. Apparently 5am is breakfast for some people.
i made this one couple from ohio so uncomfortable that they left....and that was WHEN I HAD PANTS ON
My boss doesn't know what jello shots are. I've lost faith in this company.
The bottle brush for the bong worked really well to clean the brownies out of the waffle maker.
No alcohol sales on Election Day. WTF? Today, of all days, I need to be splurged to to vote for any of these morons running for president.
For a guy who came before his dick was out of his pants, he gave surprisingly good head.
Okay, since we're going to be living together and I'm obviously better than you at everything, I have one single simple rule that I want you to follow: DO. NOT. FUCK WITH ME.
we bonded over knowing every word to freaky gurl by gucci mane so it’s kinda starting to make sense why I gave him head in his cul de sac
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