Call me Kermit cause I'm about to go piggin
I'll write directions out on a napkin and slip it to him. Then say P.S. The UTI is gone.... that's not creepy at all right?
I told them the reason I passed out was because of "heat exhaustion." Not from showing up drunk. Good thing this is Arizona.
I can't find my underwear or one of my shoes but he baked me cookies for breakfast.
I went on my dinner date pretending that my lunch date didn't jizz in my hair.
No. More. Tequila. Even the hot dog guy felt bad for me and you know that guy has seen some crazy shit.
He's German, so by default he gets to fuck me.
You need to get laid. You spent last night stumbling through the club pulling couples apart and telling them to leave room for Jesus.
I don't need you anyway! I have puppies and booze!
So this is my life now? Laying in bed texting about Hulk penis?
Did she seriously come back inside just to piss on the kitchen floor?
You really need to not quote Anchorman while I'm giving you a serious blowjob.
He serenaded me say anything-style with Weird Al songs and then blew me on the beach. I'd say he's a keeper.
I dont even remember what i was saying but just one minute i was crying and the next i was showing u my genitals
I'm "drunk text both siblings" drunk.
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