Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
im bored tell me something entertaining
You got period blood on my carpet. I lied to my mom and said it was jam.
Drinking at work by myself... My boss just walked into me copying my face on the copy machine..
Well I'm just gonna sit here naked in this chair and whatever happens happens
I can't wait for paintbang. I'm going to throw a marker at a child. There will be bail money in my backpack in m trunk. Don't use it on beer.
You know what I'm hearing? Blah, blah, blah, I have pneumonia, blah, blah, blah, I'm a quitter. COME OVER AND PUT YOUR PENIS INSIDE ME.
I just really need to get the matching flask to go with my pill box. Is this another step towards rock bottom?
If I'm going to start compromising my butthole it's going to be for much better drugs than a ventolin
Drunk life lesson just learned the hard way: do not try to play hump the great dane. He may take you up on it.
Jusy read on a science page that squeezing boobs can prevent cancer cells from forming in them, youre welcome.
Using Michelob Ultra as champagne.
Don't send me nudes asking me to come fuck you on lunch break then send me a video of kids you're babysitting.
He looked me deeply in the eyes and said "I don't want this to be the last time I see you.. Can I follow you on Instagram"
She says the reason I don't talk to her is because I'm "emotionally lazy" what ever that means
What the fuck were you guys talking about?
Lube wrestling.
Oh, makes sense.
Randomize
