I woke up this morning under my fitted sheet and my legs through the sleeves of my sweater.
you opened the fridge, pissed on the food, fell over, then threw up on yourself. thats whats all over the kitchen.
watching hot guy on train scrolling with his blackberry's track ball... o to be that track ball...
do you remember wearing her cheetah rainboots and making bacon shirtless?
you were wandering around the street for like an hour singing "nothing but socks on"..an original you wrote after the 12th shot i believe
My near death experience also doubled as my coming out story
they all just nodded
Nobody has ever asked me for my honest opinion on whether they needed anal bleaching before
He just texted me from the outside of the hospital. He called the fat broad in the bar mrs snuffleupagus about 60 times and she broke a bottle of blackberry brandy over his head.
My mom just walked in and she was like "Who ate all of the cheese?" and all I could think of was you trying to become a human taco
I never woulda thought that back in kindergarten playong kickball that'd i'd be 24 getting plastered in front of the white house and winning a kickball championship in a young adult drinking league
I'm going through our high school yearbook trying to find what boys I want to hook up with this summer. We graduated four years ago. That's a problem.
I'm cooling my balls with a beer because I'm too cheap to turn on the AC
Don't try to sleep with work colleagues because he won't be able to get it up and you won't be able to look him in the eye ever again
RICK BROUGHT THE HOT BARTENDER HOME. SOMEONE CALL THE FIRE DEPARTMENT, CUZ RICKYS ON FIIIIIIIRE.
lmao nvm she punched him in the face and left
I'm getting paid to get fucked up. How much better could this get?
Randomize