I think I love you, but I may be biased because we had pirate sex.
We're not in high school anymore. I'm not going to pretend to be impressed as he butchers my favorite songs on his guitar. I just wanted to get laid.
I have whiskey and jager. There's no telling what kind of monster will emerge
Tom is laying in a bathtub filled with ice pretending to be a polar bear.
After we drank 3, we built a raft out of the empties and installed the fourth submerged In the water to keep it cool. Keg boats are now a thing
Thanks to a poorly written tweet a whole bunch of people thought I died last night.
you can't tell me not to come to work cause roads are bad then ask me an hour later to come in and expect me to be sober
Mind if I sleep with your cousin? If I can... thanks. If no, sorry its gonna happen.
I just found out that there's a bar that has happy hour at 12 pm. It's like the universe doesn't want me to be sober
She's so nice... She deserves all the dicks.
Fuck it, I'm going to make my own dick pic album since iOS 10 won't do it for me.
He wants me to fart in his mouth and is offering me SOOOO much coke. I'm stuck between a rock and a hard place. GIVE ME ADVICE.
Gave a guy a blowjob in a convent. Place in hell is now secured...
He told me that I should keep my socks on next time because he read somewhere that it'll help me orgasm...
I'm a freaking penguin. one mate for life, and really awkward at parties
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