Did you go home with that guy without me?
Sorry boo - it's pouring and I found a boy with a car
I am currently trying to use a tide to go pen to remove the jizz from my backseat, it's not working...
u know whats better than using ur vibrator? using it w/ jeopardy on in the background and half moaning the correct final jeopardy question. yeah that just happened.
My head. My head is the problem. Also alcoholism.
My dad just decided to play wingman for me... I dont want to let the family down... but both these girls are hideous
how much ball-pain constitutes an emergency?
Good news! I don't have Hep C! Better news! I still hate you!
Remember that night I drank a bunch of vodka, pounded your Jameson because 'you were a pussy', punched you in the face and ran off as fast as my high heels could go? It was just my Russian and Irish sides fighting for genetic dominance
Unintentional and slightly frustrating adventures are basically all I'm good for. Expect heart palpitations, cheap food, and homeless men serenading us.
He'd rather cuddle with his shitty little miniature dog than the half naked girl in his bed. I've lost all hope for him and my vagina
i need to stop establishing animals as safe words. Giraffe and Penguin are really awkward words to say during sex
Speeding home on my break at work because I forgot to grab my Percocets that I have because getting through work sober's too hard
Are we gonna talk about that cunnilingus snap
That butt dial turned into a booty call.
Ccatlin cimbing thru th sunroof plz come
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