god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
So we stole all of the newspapers out of the stands within a 1 mile radius and filled up her car with crumpled newspaper.
Who leaves their car unlocked at night?
Someone who wants to read the newspaper.
Found a joint walking to class. I feel like the environment is rewarding me for being green.
You couldve had sex with 2 drunk chicks on an alligator slide.
Apparently I texted my high school english teacher asking her to tell me what logical fallacies she taught us three years ago.
He texted back and said he would hook up if he didn't have a test at 8am. It's really hard to be annoyed by how good of a student he is.
Yeah that sucks. That's why I stick to deadbeat sports management majors.
Pretty sure that molly fried my sinus infection away; i regret nothing
My pants are like a grocery bag containing ONLY jelly beans right now.
Checking my Tinder matches as I sit here in the waiting room at Planned Parenthood. I can't be stopped.
I tried to suck your dick underwater and almost drowned
He came on my favorite pants. He is dead to me.
I wanted to write an apology letter to my vagina after that.
I really need to stop turning to the BDSM dungeon masters of tinder whenever my heart hurts
To the woman who just heard me unscrew my flask in the Denny's women's bathroom at 10am: discretion isn't required but greatly appreciated.
Did you at least share?
I have decided that I would still fuck Harrison Ford even though he is old as fuck now. Do you think it would kill him?
Most likely. But I bet he'd do a bang up job of it before he died.
He absolutely would.
Randomize
