He is either going to be in my pants or get a restraining order against me.
I thought it was kinda weird that her ten yearold sister was playing bartender, but hey, the girl makes a damn good drink
New rule : you aren't allowed anything . Ever .
My Mom printed off all of my Augusts text messages. Apparently I've been drinking WAY too much and having an intermediate drug problem. I have to go home everyw weekend for the rest of the semester
I feel that the drunker I get, the drunker Facebook gets.
Bitch, it's 2 in the afternoon.
My life is like a drunken tornado. All over the place and never passing up fat girls
the other day i was so high i found pages and pages of pictures of HD hamburgers and patriotic music. bong rips for merica.
I say I hate my boss but I find myself jerking off to him more and more with each passing day
AMERICA LOVES YOU. RIDE THAT DICK LIKE PAUL REVERE RODE HIS HORSE SO MANY YEARS AGO
Alex I've come up with a new medical condition. dick depression. it's a real thing and I have it
PEOPLE ARE STILL EATING FAJITAS IN DROVES. BY THE CASELOAD. THERES A FORKLIFT OF SIZZLING MEATS.
He just snapchatted me a blank snap that said "miss our sex" Vagina game too strong
If I die write a nice eulogy and bury me with my star wars bobbleheads
I told him to take the baby so I could work out. My workout consisted of getting high and masturbating
you put your keys in the fridge so you wouldn't forget your yoohoo
Randomize
