he is naked. in. my. bed. happiest day. of my. LIFE.
you announced to the whole room that instead of shaving you were planning to start straightening and then braiding your pubes. awkward silence followed by everyone leaving.
how can i change my meal plan to a keystone plan?
You kept throwing bottles at the dorm across the courtyard and when anyone told you to stop you just said "who are you? Al Gore?"
Apparently you get kicked out of gay bars if they catch you putting the entire free condom bowl in your purse.
we can add 'stealing hydrangeas from the sign in front of the credit union because we're too poor to have all of the flower arrangements professionally done' to my list of maybe-felonies
I just want my birth control to stop making me feel like I'm watching baby seals get clubbed to death any time anything even remotely unpleasant happens lol
Made a pinky promise to a lesbian on crack in WeHo. No one knows what I promised
You thanked me for a delicious cock and tacos...
I just googled, "what type of cured meat does my face taste like", and one of the top results was, "The Definitive Guide to Bacon." I couldn't make this up if I tried.
My inner 10 year old alcoholic is intrigued.
I'm giving drunk me full control of my body for the next few days. Please don't let me die.
you should come have a drink with me (non alcoholic or otherwise) im at the same bar as your sister and a few guys that would apparently "lick your butthole"-congratulations
I got kicked out of the E.R. for saying "balls".
I don't know if I'm having early flu symptoms, a miscarriage, or am badly hungover. Web md agrees.
Randomize
