all we need is a shotglass and a helicopter.
she went home with me because she said i reminded her of paul rudd. remind me to thank him for his awkwardness
dream priorities were more important than voting today. don't tell me you wouldn't keep going back to sleep to find out who would win a fight between oprah and godzilla
Just had a random flashback of you tickling some guy's nipple with your claw ring, and then him moaning and stripping in the middle of the bar. You give good memories.
fact: I now appreciate my drunken winter self even more. I just found $20 in my winter coat with a note that says keep yourself warm next winter. I am awesome.
dude, my ass and shoulder hurt from that kayak last night... note to self: wood planks holding kayak from ceiling do not also hold up a human being
We've completely outdone ourselves. We packaged a collective total of six grams of pot and salvia into little bowl-sized tinfoil capsules. It's totally impossible to tell which is which without comparing, every Friday from now on we pick one out and see what the fuck happens
We had fun with our Indiana Jones role-playing until I whipped myself in the dick with my belt.
I need to get a job that holds me accountable for something. Otherwise I wake upon Monday wondering when the booze store opens and if I still have a boyfriend.
i told her i loved her afterwards and she said "i know," kissed me, and got up to start making breakfast.
dude, she han solo'd you. keep her.
She's lucky her pussy is worth listening to her ramble about bedroom furniture for 30 minutes
Send me a picture of our booze closet. I'm homesick.
You were laying on the floor coloring a "get well soon' card for your liver...
whoever decided snowing in 90 percent of campus on a night when the streets are flowing with tequila and skittles was clearly not an R.A.
Then you got drunk and shit in her car. Nothing before that matters. She isn’t calling you back.
Randomize
