Note to Self: No matter how horny, turned on or in the moment you are, never go down on your gf after she had soccer practice.
This girl named her kid Rainforrest. If I die, just know it was from laughing so fucking hard.
its barely noon and he already threw up and i have second degree burn
now I know why they wanted me to come. apparently gay guys are stripper magnets
she was literally 3 feet away from the garbage can, said she couldn't make it, and then proceeded to vomit on the floor in front of everyone in the restaurant
She slapped me in the face with a McDouble. Just threw it right at my face while I was driving... That is why we can't bring her out in public.
Quote from doctor, "that is a VERY angry vagina".
I'm fucked.
SShout out to Barney the Dinosaur for teaching me how to sing the ABCs backward. I just scored a free pitcher.
So far in 2016 I told someone id give them a blowjob for lasagna.
I'm out of breath and my thighs burn but at least it's over.
If you can't trust the person at the taco cabana drive thru, who can you trust?!
so apparantly i made out with 24 santas last night...and an elf...and a stoner
just had an allergic reaction to my dildo. My life is ruined.
I woke up with a pube in my teeth...I'm disturbed cause we're both clean shaven
My horoscope should say: you're an alcoholic, get help today, Pisces
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