Pissed on my Blackberry at the Astros game. Wish me luck explaining that one at work.
So then the officer asked you how you were getting home and you told him "very carefully"
possible father of this baby just finished his test first in a lecture of 200 people. other possible father finished about 100th.
I'm rooting for #1.
He stole her cigarettes and walked 15 miles just so he wouldn't have to wake up next to her. God I love being a lesbian.
I just found my coat check number in my underwear.
I think I used your jacking off shit when I showered. I couldn't see shit, it was all oily. Fuck power outages
It's okay though. My mom didn't believe that they were mine cuz they were magnums. Having a surprisingly large penis ftw
In lieu of flowers, please donate to The Hungover Children's Fund in my name.
THERE IS A VIDEO OF DMX SINGING RUDOLPH THE RED NOSE REINDEER
I'm officially in the Christmas spirit
You're wrong. It's my BIRTHDAY. We all know it's impossible to get pregnant on my diva day!
I want my birthday to be like the hunger games where all the contenders for my vaj have to fight each other off to win the prize
Can I have the second place winner?
Wikipedia just saved you three hours and $30 on a bar tab. You should donate.
$5. Donated.
My booty call fought through ice and a foot of snow to get here. He brought booze, food, and cigarettes for three days. My vagina is the greatest motivator of all time.
Feels like I ran a marathon last night. A tequila marathon.
You threw him in the dryer?
He went in of his own accord. Mumbled something about experiencing the blossoming of popcorn.
Randomize
