living well may be the best revenge, but it doesn't hurt that my exhusband is now dating a BEAST.
Dude stop singing. Your life is not an episode of fucking glee
he's a bartender at a gay strip club. maybe he can work his magic. with getting u in, not gay magic.
you texted me last night and told me you couldn't find the toilet.
That explains the puddle of pee in my closet.
it was really awkward. it took him like like 2 minutes to realize who he was jacking off to. he stopped mid-stroke. such a small small world
i told you not to try chat roulette
And the cops told us we were all naked.
I will never try to masturbate with americas funniest home videos playing in the background ever again
We bought a hamster while completely stoned and 2 hours later returned it because your mother wouldnt let you bring it in her house. You cried. a lot.
He said we would have a beautiful daughter together. That way too much for a one night stand...
My doctor actually said I was suffering from an "acute hangover" in doctor's note I asked him for....what a douche
I gave him a bj as a thank you for helping. I think that's good.
P.s. There are few things I love more than brand new mascara and you are one of them.
That awkward moment when you realize you've been secretly blackout dating someone for three months. Drunk me is in a committed relationship.
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
Longest 30 seconds of my life
10/10 so not recommended
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