dude, i look like john mccains neck right now
it turns out vodka filled condoms arent that funny
Mowing drunk should be an olympic sport...
it's like i need an invisible sign across my boobs that says "DOESN'T HAVE DADDY ISSUES" that only old men can see
time for a it's-monday-night-and-this-week-is-gunna-suck-drink.
At victory brunch. Have a decent story. Im now eskimo brother with the duke mens basketball teams from 2002 to 2008 and obamas right hand man
I want to say that being forced to stare at the 'no.1 boyfriend' collage behind his head ruined the sex but it just didn't.
Apparently I covered myself in sunscreen before I went to bed. Im just assuming that due to the fact I found an empty bottle of sunblock
You think posting ushers "let it burn" video on his fb page is in bad taste? haha
got delayed, meet you at the bar soon, found a shopping cart, i am now getting pushed to the bar by some guy that was peeing in the alley i found the cart in
Just took a shot of tequila with a random guy at the supermarket. Happy cinco de fourth.
my dad pointed to my full beer and said drink up we're leaving now.
can you adopt me?
Also Fuck you Stephen King and Fuck the horse you rode in on, making me cry In front of my coworkers.
GOOD MORNING! This is your wake up call! Just incase this text wasn't enough, I had sex on your bed last night while you were drunk hitting on my sister. Dan jizzed on your pillow! We rubbed it on both sides! Now get up and go to class!
Coffee and girl scout cookies. Breakfast of champions.
Get fucked.
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