I didnt attack him, I heard I threw a chair at him- big difference. And you know Im not a creep so whatever
Bring mistletoe to the strip club, and they feel obligated. they dont even charge you
He doesn't need a wingman, he needs a miracle
Every time she shows up on my newsfeed, I get the taste of tequila in my mouth.
Iranian Rapper, camaroonian basketball player, mexican i forget and indian doctor....this one looks the best on paper.
Plus you know he's just 2 semesters and 4 glasses of wine away from "experimenting" with some French major
As one final fuck you to the courthouse i'm paying the rest of this ticket with sacajawea coins.
I was kind of torn between "Wow, this is awkward," and "Wow, my therapist is hung."
A homeless guy wouldnt accept my granola bar because he didnt have any teeth. I think i win the prize for the ultimate rejection
She's trying to sext her husband for the first time. I'm feeding her lines. It is 3 am and I am playing Cyrano for my wasted big sister TELL ME I AM NOT THE BEST SISTER IN LAW ON THE PLANET.
you sternly forced jackson to start preheating the oven around midnight so you could make bagels in the morning
you were serious about those bagels
Did you or did you not grab my boob while I was making out with the foreign kid?
My vagina has a heartbeat. That means I'm in love, right?
Just taxi'd to the airport holding a zip lock bag of my own vomit. Bachelorette success.
Apparently his version of saying "I'm Sorry" is streaking around our apartment building then asking for a blow job.....
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