WTF. you left me with no condoms and you ate all my mac and cheese. scumbag.
i felt like we were having sex on ultimate fighter, and people on the outside kept yelling ELBOW ELBOW! KNEES KNEES!
So after your 27th or so beer, you gave me songs you want to have used if you're ever on intervention.
the doctor brought back painful memories by lecturing me about your teeth marks that are still on my dick.
She. Own s my pussycat. Roxk it like. The sun hitting the horizon
I woke up naked in my bathtub at 5:30 this morning. There's legit a spray tan body print of me in the fetal position in my tub.
I have come to realize that my purpose in life is less musical and more as a filter of alcohol into water.
i decided if i had to, i could survive with only 3 fingers on each hand.
Anddon't worry about me I have my Darth Vader flashlight
There are horrible decisions in life and then there are tequila flavored moonshine decisions
Leaves on the ground. Coffee in one hand and your man in my other. Lovely fall morning.
I just got wasted for $3.50. My life can't get any better.
Remember how I made that resolution to remain celibate for 6 months? Well, I just broke that
You literally made that 4 hours ago...
I just had mom give me advice about how and where to store my lube in my shower. It was super awkward. Of course, she also walked in on me masturbating once so I guess turnabout is fair play
Omg. I checked my purse this morning and I'm pretty sure drunk me stole a frat guys tube of crest 3d white toothpaste. Like that's pretty fucked up but I think if I knew someone did that to me I'd probably still invite them over again cuz I'd be like, "this girl's creative, and has good hygiene."
Randomize
