I just saw a hobo shake a payphone until it spat out a bunch of quarters. what a champ.
Eating doritas dunked in queso con salas. Salllas. Salska. Salsa. Got it. Shhiitt. Salsa con queso. That's better. I'm hot pink socks.
He dumped me and I don't wanna fuck his best friend for revenge. Is this what maturity feels like?
Let's go free Charlie Sheen and party with him
I don't save the phone numbers of guys I don't like. That way it's a surprise when a random number texts me and tells me I have great tits.
It looks like I colored my belly button red at some point
I lost the back to your old name tag last night in a girls shirt. It got me a view of some titties though, I guess in some way you're still doing your brotherly deeds
A little, yeah. We were stealing firewood from the neighbors (drunk), and figured it would be 10 times harder to be angry with us if we got caught if we were naked, and 100% more hilarious.
I've made out with more people in 2014 than I did the whole fall semester
You're going to be mad because I got baked, but not that mad because I'm bringing home kfc.
I was dreaming of a parallel reality and in the dream I just looked up at my present self and was like "you're high, man"
Hey I consider Sunday's trip to the ER a success. You're alive and now you know for sure you're not pregnant. I got my highest ever Tetris score. Wins all around.
so he'll eat food out of a dumpster but he won't lick your ass?
Started dabbing in blow again because he always hated that I did it. Yuh I’m doing drugs but at least I’m doing me?
If you need me I'll be in the hospital involving super glue and fake eyelashes.
Randomize
