This is the first month I have not taken plan B to get my period in over a year
And somehow that makes me sad knowing I haven't had raunchy unprotected sex in a month
i dont think the girl sending me nudes is qualified to pass judgement on me
The empty keg landed on my head. It's a good thing we already got shitfaced or i'd be a vegetable and the humor would be completely lost.
Claiming territory at this party means signing a girls ass...I've got dibs on a blonde
I'm at work. It's margarita night. Someone literally just shouted "MURICUH!"
God bless us, everyone.
Some guy offered you 100 bucks last night to suck your toes. I had to drag you away while you were yelling at me, "Stop money cock blocking me!"
That's just where I'm at in my life.
He taped a champagne bottle to both his hands and called himself edward champagne hands. At one point he poured some on his lap and said " Just needed to make sure my dick got some too"
List 10 things your GF won't do for you, and we can work through that list.
I was driving around a golf cart with a keg in the back before I got caught by the cops. First slow speed chase ever
I changed his name in my phone to "Irrelevant" last night. Not changing it back.
I don't think you understand...I'm really good at getting drunk
The guy got mobbed on, all hell broke loose. About 20 cops showed up, and this kid somehow convinced a cop that letting him pee in front of him is justifiable. This guy could sweet talk Hellen Keller, he was THAT good
all I remember is grinding on everyone in the room regardless of gender and quoting the lion king non-stop. We need to stop buying Jameson.
And then I was like pick your blow job song and he choose the sonic the hedgehog theme song. If he's not the one no one is.
Yay I only have ONE giant mystery bruise from yesterday
Randomize
