hell yes lets make some ravioli
Did we have sex?
No you put the condom on then passed out on the bed so I left
just went onto Yahoo and the featured article had a picture of one of the Jonas brothers. last two times the featured article was a celebrity's face the headline was "Michael Jackson is Dead" and "Pitchman Billy Mays is Dead" so naturally I got a little excited. Turns out he's just engaged. Who gives a fuck.
Superbowl and Mardi Gras a week apart. World's longest bender here I come.
last time I sleep in the lobby. woke up to some girl asking me what floor I lived on. somebody put me, couch included, on the elevator.
Do you think i can prewrite an apology on friday and leave it vague enough to just finish on sunday?
Not much, just your average college male Sunday cleaning period blood out of the carpet.
Tell me you're kidding.
Besides scarred, I'm not much of anything right now.
my goal was to make out with as many people dressed as batman as possible. I have my priorities.
styled my pubes into a mustache as a surprise. Thought you should know
Well I found out I was essentially dumped and replaced by a hipster and apparently offered a girl $95 to go out with me. In the spirit of the Olympics I will not be spending any time on the medal stand.
In order to see him, he made me facetime with his penis, which he had drawn a smile face on. Getting laid shouldn't be this difficult.
I woke up with his condom in my mouth. I actually use them now you should be proud of me.
Do you know how many guys' fantasies I've been told I'm a part of lately?!
Just 2. But still.
If it's any consolation, I made really strong brownies yesterday and had 3 and then I saw demons
we just drove past a kid stuck in a tree what a wonderful time to be alive
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