Only you could turn Mozart into a stripper song.
and I'm going to name my autobiography "blow jobs with enthusiasm are the best"
I'm naming my autobiography "Reasons Not to Date Girls From Texas."
The only coherent words in the 6 texts i recieved were don't, cute, fucking, beer, and lions
this will be a night to untag.
We're trying to decide between cracker barrel an the ER
U know that drunk state, where at 930 the next morning your sitting in a bath in ur bathing suit trying to sober up...yeah. That's where i am..
Why is there soup literally in every orifice of my body?
He doesn't drink liquor so instead of doing a body shot off my belly button he dropped water in there and sipped it out with a straw. Look at my face: =|
Im so glad I make morally wrong decisions. It's like the best worst thing I've ever done.
ok give me a pep talk, I want a hotdog but I'm too stoned to go make it
also I saw his dick in the morning light and it was glorious. Like staring upon your birthday cake you ordered from heaven and going " can't wait to eat that later"
My phone has started autocorrecting "monogamy" to "monogamish"
I've decided if you aren't here in fifteen minutes I'm leaving you for Mario the 75 year old Colombian bartender.
I'll give you another blowjob if you bring me some cake.
This should be illegal
It is
I mean more illegal... I shouldn't have this
Randomize
