i was so drunk that i ate a carrot out of her guiena pig's cage and thought it was normal
Just gave my little brother the collection of clothes that boys have left in my room since I've been in college for his birthday.
I've got my laundry in the car, tonights 1 night stand pre-req is an in suite washer and dryer. Let's do this!
yes you're required to wear a bikini its the snowpocalypse beach party
I am getting drunk. And i'm going to paint my face and slide down the stairs like Pochahontas. Goodbye
Nobody is here, I still yelled for someone to make me some toast. That my dear is commitment to doing nothing.
My dad is so drunk he attempted to ride my two year old cousin's tricycle. For a solid five minutes.
WHO JUST REMOVED THAT SAME BOARD IN TWO MINUTES FLAT WITH NO INJURIES, SHOES, SOCKS, OR BRA?! THIS BITCH. CRACKIN A BEER FOR DA SHOWA. BITCHES AIN'T SHIT MOTHAFUCKA
The sun is out, the birds are chirping, I made some brownies, I'm not pregnant
This is literally what my 13-year old cousin said to me this morning.
idk i was trying to watch Fuller House and you got up out of a dead sleep, just in your boxers, said "no more Dave Coulier" and walked out to the living room and unplugged the router
I AM A SEXUAL NIGHTMARE
My New Year's resolution is to chill out on the group sex. At least with my friends anyway.
He's asking how tall I am he wants to make a body suit out of me
I'm covered in bruises and scratches. I dont know whether to call them battlescars or sex decals
You're lucky I just like fucking you because you would really suck at being a boyfriend.
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